The holiday season, illuminated by twinkle lights and festive cheer, often resurrects a less welcome tradition: family conflicts. Whether the argument is trivial, such as who is in charge of the turkey, or whether you’re going to watch the Cowboys game, mediation can play a pivotal role. For issues more profound, like unresolved resentments, mediation can transform potential strife into opportunities for reinforcing familial bonds. Many mediators have read former FBI Negotiator Chris Voss’s Never Split the Difference. Applying the book’s negotiation principles to holiday tensions seemed like a fun challenge for this post.

At the heart of any mediation is the art of listening. While Voss’s context was hostage negotiation, the principle easily applies to holiday disputes. Listen to your family and friends not just with the intent to respond but to understand their holiday wishes and woes. Consider the annual argument over holiday plans. Instead of diving into the fray, take a mediator’s stance. Encourage dialogue, asking open-ended questions to uncover the real issues beneath the surface. It’s not about having everyone agree to a single plan but creating one that considers everyone’s interest. Inspired by negotiation tactics, this approach can transform a tug-of-war into a team effort.

You can weave mediation tactics into your conversations without giving away your strategy. Take Uncle Dennis’s deep-fried turkey ambition: rather than nixing it outright (remembering the Fried Fowl Fiasco of 2019), pivot the conversation to brainstorming other culinary adventures he might enjoy that don’t endanger the neighbor’s garage.

Voss’s techniques offer a proactive way to address the ghosts of holidays past. With a touch of humor or a knowing nod, you can bring past misadventures into the light, easing the pressure before it escalates. Take a page from an episode of the Hulu series “The Bear,” where a holiday dinner erupts into a battlefield of long-held family grudges, leaving physical and emotional scars (an episode Jamie Lee Curtis navigates with Emmy-worthy finesse). This dramatic unraveling showcases the power of unresolved issues and the chaos they can cause. Imagine, instead, that someone at the table raised a glass, declaring, “Here’s to a feast that will go down in history for laughter, not disasters, and to making sure all body parts remain intact!” A wry acknowledgment of unpleasant memories defuses tensions with humor, hopefully paving the way for an evening where peace is the main course.

Finally, be vigilant for the unforeseen — the ‘Black Swan’ that Voss identifies as the pivotal detail that might shift the situation from a potential upset to a manageable compromise. Maybe your cousin’s habitual holiday absences aren’t an escape tactic but a considerate gesture to sidestep imposing their dietary needs. Move over misunderstandings –here comes accommodation!

The holidays don’t have to be a battlefield. With a dash of negotiation savvy and a double-shot of empathy, you can mediate a holiday experience that leaves everyone, if not merry, at least more at peace.

Happiest of holidays,

–Sarah

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